I’ve learned about grief and trauma on a personal level. Through death of loved ones, friends battling addictions, diagnoses and sudden onset of disease, and facing unprecedented natural disasters and the aftermath of restoration. 

Trauma strikes at unexpected times and never asks our permission. 

I’ve learned about grief and trauma as a pastor. Walking alongside others as they receive a diagnosis, lose a loved one, experience miscarriage, struggle with infidelity, battle addictions, lose jobs, cope with stillbirth, endure divorce, prepare and recover from surgery, receive aggressive treatments, prepare to take their last breath, and rebuild after natural disasters.  

Survival Guide* for Grief 

 * these are not firm deadlines but a general framework of processing grief 

First 48 hrs: Information Gathering & Decision Making

Collect as much information as you can, write it down, and have at least one trusted individual with you at all times.  Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.  Make only necessary decisions: next dr. appointment, basic funeral arrangements, insurance calls, etc. 

Delegate all things to one or two trusted individuals.

Have delegated individual contact your inner circle of family and friends to let them know basic details of trauma and to clarify any immediate needs such as child care, food, etc. Contact employer with basic details.  Make only essential decisions, if the decision can wait then let it. 

Week 1-2: Survival

This is a period to have zero expectations beyond survival.  These expectations are for self and immediate family.  Focus on basics: sleeping, eating, bathing, and some physical activity ( a walk around the block etc.)

This is a judgement free zone so…if eating means snacking periodically as opposed to meals …or sleeping comes in two hour waves with the help of doctor prescribed medicines…then your goals have been met.

Establish relationships with needed support experts including pastor, counselor, doctors, lawyer etc.  These needs will vary based on the trauma/change event.

Have a delegated person send communication updates and support details to network of family and friends.  

Weeks 3-8 (Months 1-2): Survival Shifts to Relief Work

Start to expect a little more of your daily routine.  This will look different for everyone. The goal is: incremental steps toward health and wholeness. 

Focus is still on basics and beginning of making decisions that were put off.  

Begin meeting with support experts and establishing next steps/goals. 

As immediate circles of support from family to friends return to their normal lives and routines, reach out to a few individual friends/family for regular check ins. 

Especially important to note here is the one month marker.  In the case of mourning a death this is an important time to honor and remember the loved one that passed.

Any unhealthy habits that have been created in reaction to the trauma need to be met head on and addressed now.  

Weeks 8-16 (Months 2-4): Relief Work

Begin to re-establish key routines with family, friends, faith community, and work. 

Keep expectations to a minimum. 

This will be a period of two steps forward and one step back.  Limit interactions and social occasions to small group settings and slowly add in large group events and corporate worship.  Skip icebreakers, greeting, applause, or any other loud corporate noises and forced greeting or celebration.  

Check in with your trusted friends/family to evaluate how things are going. 

Continue work with expert support personnel and establish goals for the coming 6 months. Join a support group that addresses the trauma. 

Continue to address unhealthy habits that were reactions to trauma.  

Weeks 16- 24(Months 4-6): Relief Work Shifts to Long-term Recovery

This is a period of establishing a new normal.  If you’ve not taken an overnight or long weekend away you should do so now.  Consider taking a spouse or best friend with you or utilizing a spiritual director or retreat setting for this time away. 

Now is the time to check-in with your self and ask: “What do I need my life to look like in order to be whole and happy in the long-term?”

Discuss your answers with your support experts and develop a long-term strategy for reaching that goal.  

At the 6 month mark honor/celebrate your hard won work toward survival and recovery. Honor and remember any individuals that are especially important to you at this juncture. (This can look like a letter of thanks, a phone call, an act of remembrance such as lighting a candle, flowers at a corporate worship service in their honor/memory etc.)

Months 6- 12: Long-term Recovery

Begin living into your “new normal” with your goals for health and wholeness at the forefront. 

Sit with the grief when it comes and do not judge yourself or friends/family for embracing joy, laughter, and fun as it returns. 

Continue work with support experts as needed.

At the anniversary of the event take time out of your new normal to honor/memorialize the experience. 

Create space to process and reflect on the year.  This is a good time to take a long weekend or week away with a loved one to mark the change that has occurred.  

Year 1-2: Long-term Recovery Continued

The second year after a trauma/change can bring milestones that were not processed in the immediate 12 months following the event.  It often feels like the “first”….“first birthday, holiday, “etc since the trauma. 

Give yourself and loved ones a larger than normal space to wrestle with the emotions.

New levels of grief and confusion can emerge in this second year. Continue working with support experts and support group to process the trauma

Begin to look for information and education related to the trauma to gain perspective and insight to your experience.     

Year 3- Forward: The New Normal

Seek out opportunities to use the insight and awareness gained from your trauma to help others.  Finding a way to give back or pay hope forward can bring significant healing. 

Don’t forget, you are not alone.  

Blessings Y’all,

Rev. Wren